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Wishing for Trouble

 I didn't get in trouble today, and that's a problem.


The day is young. There's still time. And I'm sure that my parent letter tomorrow will be met with resistance from several readers. But I should have gotten in trouble today.

I was already worried yesterday about how to approach yesterday's treasonous insurrection with my students. Like you may know, though I'm in the middle of my career, this is the first time I've been a grade-level teacher with a classroom of students of my own. You also may know that I'm in a very conservative part of a very conservative state - my neighbor, a Guatemalan immigrant, still has his Idahoans for Trump flag flying proudly because he's white. My other neighbor, who is a Vietnamese immigrant also complains about the "immigrants who are stealing our jobs" when I see her at the mailbox. That's where I'm from. There's the context about what America looks like for some of you who might not see how deeply we are divided, even in your own middle class suburbs.

So I was terrified. How can I - a person who condemns this act as the white supremacy it is, as treason, as terrorism - help provide a fact-filled space for students to share what they learned, are feeling, are worried about, when I know that some of them don't even believe in the objective facts we saw together as a nation? I felt deeply unqualified and fully aware of my own biases.

I read a lot. I found resources that resonated with how I run my classroom, especially one from the AMAZING Sara K. Ahmed's book Being the Change called "What's in Your News?" I thought about how to guide their thinking and how I would let them discuss. I would only facilitate and step in if there was harm. I overplanned with ideas from Facing History, Teaching Tolerance, and all the things that people on my school board would consider "indoctrination." We were also all given the board policy for "controversial topics in the school classroom" to help us mind our Ps and Qs.

Class came, and I was overprepared, shaky, and sweaty. 

"How are you all today?" I asked, my face arranged in carefully neutral concern.

They all chirped about their usual - LEGO, pets, questions about fractions. No one even looked perturbed.

I compimented them on their writing they'd been doing and gave them our freewriting time. "Anyone have anything to share?"

No mention of yesterday.

My mind was whirling. In elementary, we were specifically NOT to bring it up, but be prepared for student discussion. Did these kids not know? How could they not know? Maybe they'd already processed with their parents. But wouldn't they want to process with their peers? 

Last chance. Before our joke of the day I said, "I'm always here for you if you need anything. You can send me a chat, an email, whatever. It doesn't just have to be about school. I know you know that. And even though we're not all together, even though we've never even met, I think that we're a great class - a great community. We can be here for each other." It was warm. It was safe. It was true. The kids have talked about all kinds of things together, but there was not.one.peep about yesterday's insurgence at the Capitol.

So a joke, a dismissal, and we all signed off for the day. 

I feel like a terrible teacher. I should be brave enough to bring it up with them, the way I'm brave enough to bring it up with my own child. I tell her the truth, so I should be able to tell the truth in my classroom, even when it's hard. The best way I know how to confront white privilege is to make it visible to kids. Before it was visible to me, I didn't understand it, and now I can't unsee it, so I'm trying my best to change it. I missed the biggest opportunity today - the BIGGEST. It's teed up and ready, so obvious, and you know that kids aren't stupid. Some of them will know that I didn't talk about it, and the reason I didn't talk about it is because I feel like I can make a bigger difference inside the system than outside - so I play by the rules as much as I can.

But today really hurts my soul. Maybe I caved too much. Not because I want to keep things smooth, but because I want to keep teaching. I want to help young learners. I should have brought it up with the kids overtly, and not saved it for my parent letter tomorrow. I really feel like I whiffed this one.

Unfortunately, I'm sure I'll have another chance.


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