Today I had a panic attack at school.
I don't wear mental illness like a badge. It's not, "Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm pretty much insane. Nice to meet you." But I'm not (usually) embarrassed by it either. It's just another thing about me: I'm tall. Right now, my hair is orange. I require medication to be a functioning human. Whatever.
I've never had a panic attack at school though. I'm outrageously grateful it didn't happen with children in the room. I'm really glad that I could just hide in my office and flip out alone. That's what I needed to do. See, our staff meeting today - it, it...was in a circle.
Did you laugh? It's totally okay if you did because that's really strange. Really, really strange. But sitting in a circle makes me anxious. I feel like I can't escape and the circle is getting smaller and smaller and the people are getting closer and staring more and then I can't breathe. It's one giant run-on sentence of horror. I saw the circle of chairs when I walked in and said, "Oh, no. Is this a (expletive) trust circle?"
To which the reply was, "C'mon. Don't be so Grinchy!"
By this point, I was moaning softly in my head. My teaching partner had just texted that he was taking an extra day and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. I was going to have to sit in a circle. I could feel my heart rate creeping up.
And then we started passing around a plush critter and giving "compliments" to demonstrate class meeting techniques. Now my heart rate is in the red, my blood is boiling, and I'm trying not to cry because I just can't handle this fake BS. I never have been able to. I compliment people relentlessly, but this mutual admiration crap? No thank you. I don't want to, I can't, I might have a stroke right here, I don't care how much you love your team and feel all this support, what's all this buzzing and why is there no air in the room all of a sudden and oh, no...
I have to digress for a moment. If you've ever actually had a panic attack, I feel for you. If you haven't, you're so lucky. You should probably also stop calling things panic attacks that aren't really - it's like migraines. If you've never actually had a migraine, you should probably stick with "really bad headache" because they are extremely different things. (stows this soapbox with the others)
As soon as the meeting was over, I high-tailed it to my office and surrendered. Like migraines, panic attacks have a hangover, so I was pretty out of it for the rest of the day. I was left feeling tired physically, but also wrecked and sad. I put a note in the principal's box about how circles give me anxiety, but was immediately ashamed because I felt like a special snowflake who needed a trigger warning (and oh, how I have feelings about that...) for any upcoming staff meetings and their potential geometry.
I tell you this for a couple of reasons:
1. I believe in the power of a sincere compliment. I love to give them. And by giving them, I hope I demonstrate how to give a compliment. Direct instruction in the giving of compliments feels phony and wrong. Students may need guidance in giving specific compliments, or finding invisible things to compliment, but forcing people to compliment each other? Let's not.
2. You know mentally ill people. It's usually undetectable, largely because we don't need you to know. We don't need you to draw attention to it either. If a colleague or friend seems to be having a tough day, just be kind. Kindness matters deeply.
All the time. You're never too busy to be kind. You never know who needs you to be kind or when they need it most. So try your hardest to be kind. Always.
PS - Want to know more about panic attacks? This is a good resource for symptoms of panic attacks (you might not have angina after all!) Also, check out this beautiful comic to learn more about how someone having a panic attack may be feeling.
I don't wear mental illness like a badge. It's not, "Hi, I'm Sarah and I'm pretty much insane. Nice to meet you." But I'm not (usually) embarrassed by it either. It's just another thing about me: I'm tall. Right now, my hair is orange. I require medication to be a functioning human. Whatever.
I've never had a panic attack at school though. I'm outrageously grateful it didn't happen with children in the room. I'm really glad that I could just hide in my office and flip out alone. That's what I needed to do. See, our staff meeting today - it, it...was in a circle.
Did you laugh? It's totally okay if you did because that's really strange. Really, really strange. But sitting in a circle makes me anxious. I feel like I can't escape and the circle is getting smaller and smaller and the people are getting closer and staring more and then I can't breathe. It's one giant run-on sentence of horror. I saw the circle of chairs when I walked in and said, "Oh, no. Is this a (expletive) trust circle?"
To which the reply was, "C'mon. Don't be so Grinchy!"
By this point, I was moaning softly in my head. My teaching partner had just texted that he was taking an extra day and wouldn't be back until tomorrow. I was going to have to sit in a circle. I could feel my heart rate creeping up.
And then we started passing around a plush critter and giving "compliments" to demonstrate class meeting techniques. Now my heart rate is in the red, my blood is boiling, and I'm trying not to cry because I just can't handle this fake BS. I never have been able to. I compliment people relentlessly, but this mutual admiration crap? No thank you. I don't want to, I can't, I might have a stroke right here, I don't care how much you love your team and feel all this support, what's all this buzzing and why is there no air in the room all of a sudden and oh, no...
I have to digress for a moment. If you've ever actually had a panic attack, I feel for you. If you haven't, you're so lucky. You should probably also stop calling things panic attacks that aren't really - it's like migraines. If you've never actually had a migraine, you should probably stick with "really bad headache" because they are extremely different things. (stows this soapbox with the others)
As soon as the meeting was over, I high-tailed it to my office and surrendered. Like migraines, panic attacks have a hangover, so I was pretty out of it for the rest of the day. I was left feeling tired physically, but also wrecked and sad. I put a note in the principal's box about how circles give me anxiety, but was immediately ashamed because I felt like a special snowflake who needed a trigger warning (and oh, how I have feelings about that...) for any upcoming staff meetings and their potential geometry.
I tell you this for a couple of reasons:
1. I believe in the power of a sincere compliment. I love to give them. And by giving them, I hope I demonstrate how to give a compliment. Direct instruction in the giving of compliments feels phony and wrong. Students may need guidance in giving specific compliments, or finding invisible things to compliment, but forcing people to compliment each other? Let's not.
2. You know mentally ill people. It's usually undetectable, largely because we don't need you to know. We don't need you to draw attention to it either. If a colleague or friend seems to be having a tough day, just be kind. Kindness matters deeply.
Let me say that again: Kindness. Matters. Deeply.
All the time. You're never too busy to be kind. You never know who needs you to be kind or when they need it most. So try your hardest to be kind. Always.
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PS - Want to know more about panic attacks? This is a good resource for symptoms of panic attacks (you might not have angina after all!) Also, check out this beautiful comic to learn more about how someone having a panic attack may be feeling.
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