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Change: I Fear It

Full disclosure: I'm considering beating things with hammers.
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No, but for real.

I'm a great teacher. I love sharing the joy of learning with anyone I meet. I can't help but teach people things. (and not just because I know a billion random facts about everything, but because everything is connected!) I like to inspire people. I like to make people work harder and get better and enjoy the process and grow and change and I create run-on sentences because I get so excited about teaching and learning that I can't breathe.

But I'm kind of hating teaching right now.


I don't hate the kids. Not at all. They're smiley and noisy and an entertaining challenge every 30 minutes. Sure, they can be really frustrating - I'd be lying if I said they weren't - but I still feel like they are coming to school for the right reasons. Obviously, it's compulsory, but they come with these eager faces. They're all shiny and ready. They're, they're...effervescent. Ebullient.

I'm not. I want to recapture what the students have, because every day, I'm getting up and going to school because it's my job. It feels awful, and it's making me an awful teacher.  I'm trying new things because that's what I do and hoping that they will invigorate me and my teaching, but they're not. I can't design-think my way out of this. I'm talking to trusted colleagues. I'm reflecting even more than usual, trying to find a root, a way to fix my discontent, but I haven't found one yet.

The last two years, my job was cherry. I was in one building (specialists, you know what a treat this was) doing two cool jobs: I was the music teacher and a tech coach for both teachers and students. So I went into classrooms and taught coding and writing and whatevertheheck I wanted using great tools we had at our disposal. I also (at least the year before) provided quarterly training on Chromebooks and Rad Things to Do With Them to the teachers in our building. It was all part of a grant I'd helped write to make our school 1:1.

Now the grant's up, and I'm at two buildings again. One is brand new, the other has been my home for the past 13 years. I'm seeing a thousand kids a week and struggling to make and keep connections with them and their teachers. I'm pushing for equipment. I'm pushing for time. I'm pushing to be heard about integrating technology well (because even if that's not my job anymore, I still have important things to say about it). Pushing, pushing, pushing.

I'm Sysiphus.

I can't let this rock crush me. I think I'm done with what I'm doing now. I don't know what that means yet, but I know it's a fight to find the joy in what I'm doing. I can't be inspiring. I can't share passion and encourage anyone if the idea of facing my career brings me to tears. But it's scary as hell to face the fact that I might need to change a thing that defines me. What would I possibly want to do instead - I need to teach. I need it like air. Do I teach a different thing? A different grade level? Change districts? (It's not a "grass is greener" thing: my district is beyond supportive and awesome.) Become a "consultant?" (Nope. Nopenopenope. Not that one.)

And this is the interior monologue I face daily:

FIRST ME
Ugh. This sucks. I hate it.

SECOND ME
So change it.

THIRD ME
Why do I always have to change it? I always have to change it. I'm tired of thinking so hard about fixing everything.

SECOND ME
You're a whiner. Why don't you try (idea)?

THIRD ME
 Okay. (tries)

FIRST ME
Ugh. This sucks. I hate it.

(fisticuffs between MEs)


I'm worn out. I'm not doing kids any favors. I'm itchy and in need of a change. I'm pretty sure my heart of hearts is telling me to pack my crazy ideas and move along and terrify incite galvanize some new people.

I know I can.

I know I need to.

So am I willing?




Comments

  1. artlaflammeOctober 20, 2016 at 7:08 PM

    I don't know where I am headed, but it's not there - it's not that, behind me. I may not have the answer, but I know what I do not want. And that's something - that's definitely something.
    Not being able to talk this out, that's only partly true. I've been in this position before - my back to the wall, up against all those things that I absolutely, positively am sure I DO NOT WANT. Leaning against them, hands resting on them, so that I know where they are, so that I can move forward away from them - in some new direction.
    I just need to figure out WHICH direction.
    This is good, that you know so much already. You might need some refinement, before maybe finding a solution.

    ReplyDelete

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